I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
