Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
