I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Sext me about skeletons
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
