Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
