I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
