he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
