Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
