I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have tasted many bathrooms
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
