i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
