I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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