the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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