It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
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I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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