Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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