There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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