I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
