Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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