Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
