I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
