I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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