Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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