Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
