How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
