I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
