why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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