He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
