when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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