You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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