oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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