Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
