Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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