She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize