Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
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Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
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I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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