I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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