She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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