how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
