i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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