everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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