when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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