Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
