____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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