I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
