I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
