Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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