Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
