I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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