The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
