I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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