remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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