I could make wine with my vomit
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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