I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
