My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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