Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
