She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
