i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
