My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
