His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
