Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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