I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
